It’s the sad truth. I have realized it and come to terms with it. I have had black nail polish on my nails for the past two weeks and have never been happier (the funny thing is, it’s the only color that I can stand to look at on my nails). Hell, why fight it when I am in the company of so many wonderfully dressed people?! The sad thing is that this is nothing new, it’s the embracing of it that is. I’ve been into the goth/neo-pagan/new age/gypsy/mystic scene since before I can remember (I blame my mother). When I started College, however, I was just coming out of a four year depressive episode and realized that I had no idea who I was outside of the circle of friends I had just left behind (all of whom were dark and/or depressing, with the exception of two, but I didn’t actually leave them behind) and decided to make some changes in my life, one of which being the wearing of colors besides black. And even though 60% of my wardrobe is still black, I did manage to accumulate a good amount of color in my life and it did it’s job for a while. But I have realized now that the whole goth thing was always me and that I can keep the brighter, more optimistic outlook that I have developed and still dress and delve into the Gothic/dark things that I have always been intrigued by.

As I type this I am yearning to dye my hair black again but am terrified of my hair getting back to the state it was in after the years of dying it in High School. Though, I guess if I dye it black it will only be one color (as opposed to the vast array of colors I had in High School) and my hair has gotten dark enough that I could get away with roots showing a bit longer than most people can. Though in honesty, I’ve been wanting something like this for a while now. Which means I’d just have to grow my hair out a bit longer (okay, a bit here actually means about six or seven inches, but still) and then get it styled a bit more, then dye it black and I would be so happy.

Anyways, I’ve been cycling goth outfits through my head for a few weeks now (not to mention haunting the amazing tumblr page fuckyeahgoths) and keep adding items to my mental wardrobe wish list. The newest addition? These amazing D & G shoes!!! Can you imagine the amazing things one could do with these?! The sad thing is that they came out about a year ago and I can’t find them anywhere with the exception of one pair I found on ebay for $800-plus which were, unfortunately, a size six (I’m an eight. Boo). I even looked on Amazon out of pure desperation. In all honesty, I am surprised there was a pair on ebay. I mean, who would let these go once they were securely in their possession?! I know I would cling to them even if they were falling apart at the seams! Ah well, all I can do is send my wish for a pair out into the universe and maybe, hopefully, once I actually have the income to be able to afford a pair and at least one outfit to go with them (not to mention the slowly adapting grace to be able to teeter around in them) they will enter back into my life, or maybe something even more amazing will come along (though, honestly, I highly doubt that fact).

Anyways, in the real world outside of my high-end goth fantasies, I am FINALLY officially registered for the Fall semester. The whole thing has been a mess. As I said a week or two ago, I had to go into the professor at SAC for him to approve my portfolio in order to get into advanced photography classes. Unfortunately I did not pass, though he said that my work was not bad and it had lots of potential, the problem was that I had unfortunately taken the ARTS courses at North East and the department at SAC is much more journalism focused. SO there are things that he teaches in Photo II at SAC that he utilizes in Portrait Photo which I did not learn at North East. SO I have to take Photo II again, only this time at SAC. After he told me I went back to the car with my mom holding back tears of frustration, I only had two more semesters left and this stretched it out to three. He offered to let me take II during Summer II but I’m already signed up for the stupid Government classes and I don’t want to put them off any longer. What made it a mess though is the fact that he wants me to take just Photo II. Now the classes I took were ARTS and the classes he wants me to take are COMM. Since I didn’t take COMM 1318 (Photo I) I had a hold on COMM 1319 (Photo II). SO, I have been running in circles trying to get it removed, which I finally did. Also, I finally got a counselor to tell me what I needed to do with my Freshman Composition course (I received a D the first time around, due to the fact that I was so distracted by said depressive episode that I was exiting at the time, which, at the St. Phillips {The school I was originally registered under} is fine. So I went on to take Sophomore level English courses and no one ever said anything, until I transferred to SAC where you have to have at least a C. So, I’ve been having to go in to get holds removed for the past two semesters). She said that as an English major I definitely have to take it again and there is no test to test out of it. SO, I have to take Freshman Comp II again, as well. Also, the Astrology lab that I was going to take transfers to Texas State, however the lecture does not and neither does the Physical Anthropology class that I took in the Spring. SO, I am now taking two more Astrology courses which DO transfer over, BUT I can’t take the lab without taking the lecture course which does not transfer. One more worthless course I must take. Anyways, I’m trying to take this all in stride and I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it (especially since I don’t even have any money to move to San Marcos by next Fall anyways), I’ll learn some new things and by then Ted will only have one more semester to go (I believe) and maybe I can help cheer her on to keep going. So, luckily I can take Photo II in the Fall and I can keep my classes the way I had originally planned and use the third semester as a fun semester and take French over again (maybe this time something will actually stick), as well as Drawing again and maybe some free be English courses. We’ll see, one thing I’ve learned from all of this is not to live so steadfastly to a specific plan and to take every day in stride. See? It’s already paying off!

Also, I applied for Half Price Books. Those who know me will know that just applying was a major step for me. I am a complete control freak and freak out if I lose any ounce of control. It gets so bad that the idea of working for someone and handing over control of my time and money terrifies me. So much that I was having anxiety attacks for the longest time just thinking about it. In fact, when I first went with my mom to ask if they were hiring it took me about an hour of pacing the store before I had calmed down enough to be able to ask. Then that night I had an anxiety attack while trying to fall asleep thinking about it again. Finally, I started thinking about what I would be able to do if I had an income. I would be able to buy art supplies at my leisure, I would be able to go to lunch or the movies with Nich and not depend on him for money, I could go on wonderful shopping sprees (at least once I could fit into the wonderful clothes that would constitute the wonderful shopping sprees) but more importantly, I would be able to afford to move out, maybe even with Ted. Thinking about all of that was enough to bypass the fear and anxiety of applying. The only downside was that the guy at the store told me that they had just hired someone and he wasn’t sure the boss was going to hire anyone else but that they would hold on to applications for the next time that they would be hiring. So, I don’t know when that would be, but the important thing is that I applied somewhere and I did it without passing out at the door! Ah, wonderful progress!

♥ Rain

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