It’s the sad truth. I have realized it and come to terms with it. I have had black nail polish on my nails for the past two weeks and have never been happier (the funny thing is, it’s the only color that I can stand to look at on my nails). Hell, why fight it when I am in the company of so many wonderfully dressed people?! The sad thing is that this is nothing new, it’s the embracing of it that is. I’ve been into the goth/neo-pagan/new age/gypsy/mystic scene since before I can remember (I blame my mother). When I started College, however, I was just coming out of a four year depressive episode and realized that I had no idea who I was outside of the circle of friends I had just left behind (all of whom were dark and/or depressing, with the exception of two, but I didn’t actually leave them behind) and decided to make some changes in my life, one of which being the wearing of colors besides black. And even though 60% of my wardrobe is still black, I did manage to accumulate a good amount of color in my life and it did it’s job for a while. But I have realized now that the whole goth thing was always me and that I can keep the brighter, more optimistic outlook that I have developed and still dress and delve into the Gothic/dark things that I have always been intrigued by.
As I type this I am yearning to dye my hair black again but am terrified of my hair getting back to the state it was in after the years of dying it in High School. Though, I guess if I dye it black it will only be one color (as opposed to the vast array of colors I had in High School) and my hair has gotten dark enough that I could get away with roots showing a bit longer than most people can. Though in honesty, I’ve been wanting something like this for a while now. Which means I’d just have to grow my hair out a bit longer (okay, a bit here actually means about six or seven inches, but still) and then get it styled a bit more, then dye it black and I would be so happy.
Anyways, I’ve been cycling goth outfits through my head for a few weeks now (not to mention haunting the amazing tumblr page fuckyeahgoths) and keep adding items to my mental wardrobe wish list. The newest addition? These amazing D & G shoes!!! Can you imagine the amazing things one could do with these?! The sad thing is that they came out about a year ago and I can’t find them anywhere with the exception of one pair I found on ebay for $800-plus which were, unfortunately, a size six (I’m an eight. Boo). I even looked on Amazon out of pure desperation. In all honesty, I am surprised there was a pair on ebay. I mean, who would let these go once they were securely in their possession?! I know I would cling to them even if they were falling apart at the seams! Ah well, all I can do is send my wish for a pair out into the universe and maybe, hopefully, once I actually have the income to be able to afford a pair and at least one outfit to go with them (not to mention the slowly adapting grace to be able to teeter around in them) they will enter back into my life, or maybe something even more amazing will come along (though, honestly, I highly doubt that fact).
Anyways, in the real world outside of my high-end goth fantasies, I am FINALLY officially registered for the Fall semester. The whole thing has been a mess. As I said a week or two ago, I had to go into the professor at SAC for him to approve my portfolio in order to get into advanced photography classes. Unfortunately I did not pass, though he said that my work was not bad and it had lots of potential, the problem was that I had unfortunately taken the ARTS courses at North East and the department at SAC is much more journalism focused. SO there are things that he teaches in Photo II at SAC that he utilizes in Portrait Photo which I did not learn at North East. SO I have to take Photo II again, only this time at SAC. After he told me I went back to the car with my mom holding back tears of frustration, I only had two more semesters left and this stretched it out to three. He offered to let me take II during Summer II but I’m already signed up for the stupid Government classes and I don’t want to put them off any longer. What made it a mess though is the fact that he wants me to take just Photo II. Now the classes I took were ARTS and the classes he wants me to take are COMM. Since I didn’t take COMM 1318 (Photo I) I had a hold on COMM 1319 (Photo II). SO, I have been running in circles trying to get it removed, which I finally did. Also, I finally got a counselor to tell me what I needed to do with my Freshman Composition course (I received a D the first time around, due to the fact that I was so distracted by said depressive episode that I was exiting at the time, which, at the St. Phillips {The school I was originally registered under} is fine. So I went on to take Sophomore level English courses and no one ever said anything, until I transferred to SAC where you have to have at least a C. So, I’ve been having to go in to get holds removed for the past two semesters). She said that as an English major I definitely have to take it again and there is no test to test out of it. SO, I have to take Freshman Comp II again, as well. Also, the Astrology lab that I was going to take transfers to Texas State, however the lecture does not and neither does the Physical Anthropology class that I took in the Spring. SO, I am now taking two more Astrology courses which DO transfer over, BUT I can’t take the lab without taking the lecture course which does not transfer. One more worthless course I must take. Anyways, I’m trying to take this all in stride and I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it (especially since I don’t even have any money to move to San Marcos by next Fall anyways), I’ll learn some new things and by then Ted will only have one more semester to go (I believe) and maybe I can help cheer her on to keep going. So, luckily I can take Photo II in the Fall and I can keep my classes the way I had originally planned and use the third semester as a fun semester and take French over again (maybe this time something will actually stick), as well as Drawing again and maybe some free be English courses. We’ll see, one thing I’ve learned from all of this is not to live so steadfastly to a specific plan and to take every day in stride. See? It’s already paying off!
Also, I applied for Half Price Books. Those who know me will know that just applying was a major step for me. I am a complete control freak and freak out if I lose any ounce of control. It gets so bad that the idea of working for someone and handing over control of my time and money terrifies me. So much that I was having anxiety attacks for the longest time just thinking about it. In fact, when I first went with my mom to ask if they were hiring it took me about an hour of pacing the store before I had calmed down enough to be able to ask. Then that night I had an anxiety attack while trying to fall asleep thinking about it again. Finally, I started thinking about what I would be able to do if I had an income. I would be able to buy art supplies at my leisure, I would be able to go to lunch or the movies with Nich and not depend on him for money, I could go on wonderful shopping sprees (at least once I could fit into the wonderful clothes that would constitute the wonderful shopping sprees) but more importantly, I would be able to afford to move out, maybe even with Ted. Thinking about all of that was enough to bypass the fear and anxiety of applying. The only downside was that the guy at the store told me that they had just hired someone and he wasn’t sure the boss was going to hire anyone else but that they would hold on to applications for the next time that they would be hiring. So, I don’t know when that would be, but the important thing is that I applied somewhere and I did it without passing out at the door! Ah, wonderful progress!
♥ Rain
So, before I can register for any advanced level photography courses I have to get my work approved by the head professor over at SAC.
Why didn’t anyone tell me this? I think I might pass out from nervous exhaustion.
Anyways, wish me luck!
-Rain-
by Wally Lamb
I just finished this wonderful book today. It’s depressing at times but still amazing. You really do fall in love with Dolores and keep reading in hope that something good will happen for her. There were a few times when I kept thinking, “God, nothing good is going to happen for this girl, and nothing good is going to result in this book. I don’t need to be reading something so utterly depressing.” But I kept reading in hope that something good was going to happen and it did. I think it was harder for me because the things she kept experiencing were things that I can all too easily relate to. But then again, that’s what made it just that mush better. When Dolores starts taking night classes and she says that they had to sit in a circle and introduce themselves, I couldn’t help but laugh and ask in amazement why, if they’ve been doing that since the 80’s, no one has declared it dated or useless and stopped doing it. Also, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pride when I could understand Lamb’s references to the 60’s and 70’s. My parents raised me well, I guess. What I loved the most, though, was the way it ended. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I love stories that end right rather than perfect. Stories that end with a happily-ever-after and a little bow on top, all the loose ends neatly tied in place feel forced to me (COUGH Lost COUGH). I love when a writer just ends the story, the characters are still living and trying their best to get by. Nothing is perfect, but nothing is terrible. Because that’s the way life is; we live our lives the best we can until the day we die. Perfect things can happen but life will continue after that, be it good or bad. We all continue living and that’s the fact of the matter. Anyways, that’s how this book ends, right. Her life isn’t perfect, but she’s not miserable. She is, for once, happy.
Of course I have to bring up the author, Wally Lamb, who is in fact male. The fact that he was able to pull off such a female voice is extraordinary. So much, that had their not been a picture in the back of Lamb, I would have assumed it was a pen name. Who knows, maybe it is and some woman out there has pulled one over on us all.
My mother asked me what I was going to read next, and I had to answer that I have no idea. I have so many books to read, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to leave the world that Lamb has left me in. Right now, however, I need to pack for the reunion.
-Rain-
Today I found the song “Pretend” by Lights by landing on Lissy Elle’s photostream. The funny thing is her voice reminds me of mine and the song reminds me of one I wrote back in High School. Makes me realize that I need to record my songs before every song reminds everyone of something else they’ve all heard before.
Basically I brought that up because the song initially makes me think of where I’m headed which is a giant question mark in the midst of a road with nearly a million forks. I was talking to Mr. Dyer the other day after class and we started talking about schools and whether or not I would like to make a career out of this wonderful realm I have immersed myself in for the past few years. He told me about a school in Kansas that he was asked to visit in order to evaluate their Photography program. When I asked him about Texas State he said that he didn’t know about their program but that UTSA is all fine arts geared and I realized that Texas State seems to be also. Which means that I might need to find a new school to head to if I want to graduate with more than a degree focused in fine arts. Which made me start thinking about Kansas. I can’t even afford to move out of the house let alone to another state. Though, I do have another year to get my act together (do you know how many years I’ve been saying that?). That was when I realized that Kansas might be nice. A new state, a new place. I’ve been itching to get out of Texas since my Freshman year of High School. An itch which has nearly grown into a flesh wound. A flesh wound which overrides the panic and anxiety of life causing me to fear living too far from the comfort of home and move somewhere far, far away to fully fuel my enflamed heart. Though in all honesty if I had to go anywhere it would have to be Washington. The thought of being surrounded by trees and cool weather, just hours away from Canada and California. In the end, as usual, who really knows. All I can really do for now is breathe and get through the end of this semester without pulling my hair out. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe moving out of the state would be good for me. It would force me to get off my butt and start making money, start thinking about living on my own, start working towards something. However, I can talk and plan all I want, in the end all that matters is my actions and what I actually accomplish….Maybe the Summer that I graduate I’ll drag everyone on a road trip up to Washington. Then I can figure out what exactly I want to do. Or maybe this Summer, or this next Winter break. Who Knows.
♥ Old |
